Tuesday, December 16, 2008


my dad is gone alreay thank God and i am not doing to good i am so hurt and angry and i feel so mad at the world and everyone in it right now i just want to die i have been feeling like cutting i have been fighting to not i see susan on friday havent seen her in a month or more i feel i am on my way to the hospital i am just so angry and i hate myself i feel i need to be hurt i deserve to be hurt and punished i feel i am bad i cant stop crying and dont know what to do my dad was here dad me klea and mom got together and there where all just talking about how proud of klea they were she has a car a nice place a job shes in school working so hard i have nothing i am nothing but a worthless peice of shit no one notices or even says how proud of me they are no one notices that i just fight each day to wake up to eat to clean my place to not cut how hard i just fight to try to keep myself alive to keep myself from killing myself no one notices or cares or is proud of me of how far i have come no one cares that it is just hard for me to wake to clean to keep myself safe and it hurts it really hurts me and i am so angry why do i go on living i cant commit suicide it is a sin so i pray every night God will take me.

i feel like a little girl right now like i need to just be cuddled or huged or held is that bad for osmeone who is 29 to feel this way i just hurt so bad

Friday, December 12, 2008


i hate my family but love them at the same time i am so glad my dad is leaving tomorrow i am so mad i feel like screaming yelling and swearing i was with them all day my 18 year old sister was acting like a little bitch a 2 year old so inmature my dad was sticking up for her cuz they wanna make me look bad he has been a asshole i have been fighting for 2 weeks now to not cut i dont know how much longer i can fight i feel like i need to be in the hospital my sister helps me with rides cuz i dont rive but then she compalines she dont have to do nothing for me i dont ask she offers then comlaintes about it makes me so mad how much longer can i not cut i odnt know i feel i am going threw withdrawls i am so frusterated and hate myself but why i dont know and i feel i need or deserve to be punished why i dont know i hate myself


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Thank God

thanks God today my dad left my house i feel cuz he is my dad i have to love him but i hate him if that makes sence he was being such a dink today paron my mouth but i am so mad he made me cry and my sister to they both try and make me look bad and feel bad i hate it i am still feeling like cutting so bad but i am trying to fight i missed my councelling apt today but i got a tat lol a butterfly i will post it in my art blog and steve you make me laugh thank you for being a good friend and for careing and thank you to everyone else it means alot to me so i am alone tonight yayyyy no stupid family lol

love ya all


Monday, December 8, 2008


i dont know who i am anymore or what i want i am never the same from one day to the next i never know.my dad is here it is going so so but he says a bunch of lies like my sis and i took him to church on sunday and he said that he use to take use when we were kids well no he dident i went with my grandma when i was little then when i was 10 i started going alone every sunday then i left home at 15 and kept going alone he only took me once ONCE why dose he lie he wants to make himself look good it makes me mad and i am just venting so i am done now

Saturday, December 6, 2008


so many things in my head right now so much hatred tward myself so many things going on my dad is here from out of town for a week i got so much going on feel angry depressed and want to cut my head is racing with so many things i dont know what to do.

i feel like crying

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


i am nothing but a worthless peice of shit i cant do anything write i am always wrong i cant keep a job i am ither depressed or sick and they cant depend on me but they can just when i am not sick i wiork with kids they expect me to go to work sick to get them all sick i dont want to get everyone sick they dont caere they need me they could care less if anyone got sick i am just so mad and hate myself


Monday, December 1, 2008


Iam mad right now why did my dad have to be a alcoholic why did my mom have to gamble and never be home why wasent my mom a mom i want a mom to i feel little i want a mmom to love me to hug me to hold me to tell me everything is going to be ok why did i have to grow up so fast why did could i not be a child or a teen why couldent i have someone to look after me and love me when i needed it


Thursday, November 27, 2008


the last couple days i have been So Angry at the world and everyone in it i dont trust and i have been hating people some things have been happening lately and people just piss me off no wonder why i live alone no wonder why i dont trust no wonder why i am scared of people.to get close

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Speaking Out

The First Time The Abuse Began that i remember Was When i was 10 i was sexualy abused by a neighbor a elderly man i was outside by myself he told me to come over to visut me being a little girl and all dident know any better me having perents that didednt teach my about not talking to strangers.went over.we talked he told me he had candy you know the whole deal with abusers trying to lure you in with candy and wot not we went to his room he had candy i took some we went to the kitchen i remember i am scared and shaking he took my clothes of slowly pulled down my pants and lifted me up in his arms naked he held me close i can remember the smells the room his face i remember everything he touched me he did bad things to me.i dont want to say what he did cuz i am scared i dont remember leaving i mean i know i did but i dont remmebrd i never told my parents about what happend.till i was 18 at age ten i started cutting slashing my arms doing anything i could to hurt myself WHY cuz i deserverd it i was dirty a bad girl i deserved to be hurt now between the age of 10 and 18 i was abused more by more people but we wont go there today i will just start at age 10 Why Why ME WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME why do i deserve to be hurt and abused and punished why to this day do i still belive it why am i bad why am i dirty a naughty bad girl.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY why do men like me why do they want to hurt me WHY

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Venting /November.22

Today i am haveing bad thoughts in my head and feeling like cutting myself i am trying so hard

to stay strong to be happy but my heart hurts so bad and i cant get rid of these bad thoughts

i try and try and try to be strong anger burns my heart burns my flesh i hate anger i hate alot of things people who hurt other people why WHY WHY do there have to be hurtful people in this world people who abuse others who abuse children. I freaking hate child abusers they should all be shot i am so mad right now i want to SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM