Tuesday, June 9, 2009


I Met a guy he liked me i liked him he came over for coffee he then says to me i have a protective wall around me i have feer of men cuz of my past abuse true but not all men am i afraid of he was someone i new had a heart and cared i felt safe around him and i liked him so much then the next day he comes over says i want nothing to do with you cuz of my fear he wouldent let me talk or nothing 2 in the afternoon i start drinking i was so hurt and upset so i cut and drank till 4 am my sis and i went to a bar i couldent even have fun i cried and cried i felt i was worthless like i dont deserve to be loved or be happy i cant find a man or woman or any more for that matter i feel like iam nothing but a piece of shit and my heart hurts so bad i wonder why iam here on this earth i wish God would take me but for some reason he wont and i dont understand why.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Hurting Bad

iam hurting so freaking bad right now i just want to die i wish i was dead but God wont take me why do i deserve to be hurt and abused is that why i was born to be hurt and punished i dont understand at all

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


my dad is gone alreay thank God and i am not doing to good i am so hurt and angry and i feel so mad at the world and everyone in it right now i just want to die i have been feeling like cutting i have been fighting to not i see susan on friday havent seen her in a month or more i feel i am on my way to the hospital i am just so angry and i hate myself i feel i need to be hurt i deserve to be hurt and punished i feel i am bad i cant stop crying and dont know what to do my dad was here dad me klea and mom got together and there where all just talking about how proud of klea they were she has a car a nice place a job shes in school working so hard i have nothing i am nothing but a worthless peice of shit no one notices or even says how proud of me they are no one notices that i just fight each day to wake up to eat to clean my place to not cut how hard i just fight to try to keep myself alive to keep myself from killing myself no one notices or cares or is proud of me of how far i have come no one cares that it is just hard for me to wake to clean to keep myself safe and it hurts it really hurts me and i am so angry why do i go on living i cant commit suicide it is a sin so i pray every night God will take me.

i feel like a little girl right now like i need to just be cuddled or huged or held is that bad for osmeone who is 29 to feel this way i just hurt so bad

Friday, December 12, 2008


i hate my family but love them at the same time i am so glad my dad is leaving tomorrow i am so mad i feel like screaming yelling and swearing i was with them all day my 18 year old sister was acting like a little bitch a 2 year old so inmature my dad was sticking up for her cuz they wanna make me look bad he has been a asshole i have been fighting for 2 weeks now to not cut i dont know how much longer i can fight i feel like i need to be in the hospital my sister helps me with rides cuz i dont rive but then she compalines she dont have to do nothing for me i dont ask she offers then comlaintes about it makes me so mad how much longer can i not cut i odnt know i feel i am going threw withdrawls i am so frusterated and hate myself but why i dont know and i feel i need or deserve to be punished why i dont know i hate myself


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Thank God

thanks God today my dad left my house i feel cuz he is my dad i have to love him but i hate him if that makes sence he was being such a dink today paron my mouth but i am so mad he made me cry and my sister to they both try and make me look bad and feel bad i hate it i am still feeling like cutting so bad but i am trying to fight i missed my councelling apt today but i got a tat lol a butterfly i will post it in my art blog and steve you make me laugh thank you for being a good friend and for careing and thank you to everyone else it means alot to me so i am alone tonight yayyyy no stupid family lol

love ya all


Monday, December 8, 2008


i dont know who i am anymore or what i want i am never the same from one day to the next i never know.my dad is here it is going so so but he says a bunch of lies like my sis and i took him to church on sunday and he said that he use to take use when we were kids well no he dident i went with my grandma when i was little then when i was 10 i started going alone every sunday then i left home at 15 and kept going alone he only took me once ONCE why dose he lie he wants to make himself look good it makes me mad and i am just venting so i am done now

Saturday, December 6, 2008


so many things in my head right now so much hatred tward myself so many things going on my dad is here from out of town for a week i got so much going on feel angry depressed and want to cut my head is racing with so many things i dont know what to do.

i feel like crying